In Case You Missed It: Single Email Explanation

My friend Robyn asked me to explain the show in a single email, so here is my attempt:

Our interest in the Island begins in the Middle Kingdom of Egypt. The Island is always moving and at one point in about 2,000 B.C. it was off the coast of Egypt and lots of people, seeing it, boated to the island. It soon moved again so they were stuck there. The people created a civilization. Already on the island was a magical woman guarding a well of light. She had been assigned the post by a supernatural being after the creation of the Earth. The well of light is contained with a cork. Dislodging the cork or interrupting the light in any way may cause some people to shift in time and may also transport one to Tunisia. In the same way, detonating a hydrogen bomb in proximity to the light may cause unexpected effects in time and space and is not recommended. When the people arrive from Egypt, the woman intercepts a pregnant woman and kills her and steals her twins and raises them as her own. She tasks one of them with guarding the light and never letting the cork be pulled -- Jacob -- and the other is thrown into the light and the supernatural being transforms him into the smoke monster. The woman, and then Jacob, routinely kill all island invaders and inhabitants in order to keep the light safe. The only exception is the "candidates," who are nurtured by Jacob to take over for him, as he feels threatened by the smoke monster. The island's dead go to a purgatory, which is a world where the island is not active (it is sunk) and they can work out their issues without supernatural interference before going to heaven. Sometimes the dead are not allowed to leave the island and stay on as whispers. Before 1970, all of the island's inhabitants were Egyptian descendants or shipwreck survivors. With improvements in science and technology, word of the island and its magical nature became known off-island and scientists from Minnesota set up shop there and began doing experiments. They called this project the Dharma Initiative. Jacob gave orders to his followers to have them exterminated, as his mother had done to island people before them. As of 2007, the new protector of the light was Hurley. Jack had gone on to heaven, while others like Michael remained on the island as whispers. It is likely more people will find the island and attempt to exploit it and Hurley will ask his #2, Ben, to kill them. Until he's ready to retire, he will sit on a rock, paint pictures, talk to dead people, and eat Dharma ranch dressing that is dropped from the sky by the supernatural being.

The Losties 'R Good Enuff For Me

Tuesday's episode (5/18/10) sealed the deal for me. Lost is now The Goonies.

The creators have obviously set up a situation where Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley (Mikey, Andy, Mouth, Chunk) must battle the ferocious Fratellis and their smoke monster (Sloth).

With Miles as Data, they will use Pinchers of Peril, Slick Shoes and other homemade tricks to defeat Smokey. But in the end, Hurley will offer Smokey an Apollo Bar and they will become best friends, and Smokey will end up saving them from a deteriorating Black Rock they are sailing off the island in (because the sub and plane both exploded).

I'm sure any questions about Lost can now be answered by reviewing the Goonies plot. What is the Black Rock? A treasure ship captained by Alvar Hanso (One-Eyed Willy). How do you escape the island? The wishing well (have a football player bring you up in a bucket or turn the frozen donkey wheel).

In the Sunday finale, I'm confident the Losties will sail the Black Rock off the island and save the Goondocks.

And the Baby Momma Is ...

I couldn't be more embarrassed that it took me all of a week to think of this as it is so completely obvious. Penny is Jack's baby momma! Who do we know that runs a tour de stade? Jack!

Picture this: 1989. Penny and Jack are married and she's just given birth to a son. He's like, "I have an idea for how you can drop this baby weight. I like to run up and down all the stadium stairs behind the hospital. So why don't you bring me dinner (have a lettuce leaf yourself) and then go run the stairs." And she's all, "Bullocks to that. Why don't you go take some more pills!" And they split up. But then she's back in the dating world and ends up taking his advice about the stadium stairs. And she's been rockin' those stairs for the last 15 years.

Which would make David Shephard Widmore's grandson and heir-apparent to the Widmore empire. It would also make Widmore Jack's ex-father-in-law. I love that!

Another clue: David Shepard plays Fantaisie-Impromptu in C-sharp minor by Frédéric Chopin -- the same song Daniel played in his flashback. In the flash-sideways Daniel is a musician. He lives in the same city as his half-sister. He could have easily taught his nephew this piece.

Desmond Is Destiny's Bitch

So here I was thinking Ilana was the one to watch when sneaking up out of the corner of my eye was old lady Hawking. Eloise the Rat.

This is almost a guest post in that my trusty barista at Cafe Bella generously gave me the scoop (as my eyes popped out of my head in amazement).

Eloise Hawking -- since shooting her son on the island while she was pregnant with him (only on Lost, right?) -- has been plotting, planning and scheming to stop that event from happening. Here's what she's got to work with in this equation:

The Island. She was leader of the Others and in Richard's confidence, so I'm thinking she knows everything he knows. But then again, Ben was leader and didn't seem to know jack about the smoke monster even though Richard did. But Richard never did really like him. Maybe Rich got more tight-lipped with leaders after getting burned by Eloise. On the Island (which still doesn't have a name ARGH!), she's got magnetism, a healing-water pool, two powerful gods fighting it out, and all the mangoes you can eat.

Charles Widmore. The variable. Maybe she loves him, but he's just a pawn in her game. Now she's sent him back to the island by packing his ears full of lies about the end of the world. She really just wants to solidify the existence of the flash-sideways world and stop it from course-correcting -- which it is doing rapidly with Desmond's unwelcome help.

Desmond. The constant. We don't know when she found out but at some point, Eloise got wise to Desmond's unique ability to change the future. She's been on him like white on rice ever since. She appears in photos he looks at, drags him into parallel dimensions, the works. Now she's got her husband kidnapping him; it's no longer just subtle manipulation.

The Dharma Initiative. Eloise ran the Lamppost station for several years, so I'm starting to think she may be behind the Dharma Initiative, as a silent partner to Widmore. She created the D.I. to investigate the Island's properties and see what she can use to get her son back. She personally flies over the Island (sans chopper) each month and drops the D.I. food crates.

So where does Ilana come in? Well I'm getting to that. So Ilana is no demi-god like Eloise (or an alien). She can't shift through time and space and alternate realities. She is just a humble servant to Jacob. But humble servants have taken down demi-gods before. My prediction: Eloise gets frustrated watching her husband botch the job she sent him to do on the Island. She trashes the Lamppost and then flies to the Island atop a tub of Dharma ranch dressing yelling, "If you want something done you've gotta do it yourself!"

Ilana is there to greet her. And what we thought was a mono-a-mono e.g. Ben-Widmore/Jacob-ManInBlack turns out to be womano-a-womano. Judging by the state of Ilana's face the first time we saw her, she's a scrapper. But Eloise does drop scaffolding on people without remorse. It will be a close one!

Lost: Uncorked

We now have all the answers we need to figure out the secrets of Lost, thanks to the last phenomenal episode, "Ab Aeterno." It's all about wine. And who is our island wine expert? Desmond, of course (Oh He of the exposed chest hair)!

Desmond was a monk at the Moriah Vineyards; Moriah being the name of a biblical mountain in Jerusalem. That's important because lately the show has been all about bored gods on a mountaintop. I'm talking specifically about Jacob. He explains to us that the island is a cork that holds an evil wine (maybe an alcohol-heavy blend from Argentina). We don't yet know how an evil wine might pop its cork, but an even-money bet would be: by killing Jacob. So why then, if this would allow the evil to escape, would Jacob ever bring people to the island who might kill him? That would make him a pretty crappy guardian.

Jacob says it's to prove a point to the man-in-black. To prove to him that man is good and can change. But what happens if he makes his point? Man-in-black turns into a happy wine? Doubtful. This isn't the reason. It's because immortality is just boring. Jacob needs people to play with. He brings them to the island to watch them struggle. It's him who needs the entertainment. Bringing people has the added bonus of tormenting his nemesis until he gets so mad he smashes bottles in the wilderness.

But now for the big answers. Sure we have a metaphor for the island, but still what is it? In an earlier post I said it was a machine. I stand by this prediction. It's a machine built by Egyptians and run by magnets. When the Dharma Initiative drilled into the magnet and caused an explosion, they risked releasing the man-in-black. They then had to build the Swan station to continually build up the magnetism and retain the island's original properties. I'm thinking after the explosion in Season 5, Marvin Candle picked up the remnants of his arm and then had a visit from Jacob who told him he had popped the cork and needed to plug it back up again, which Candle did.

But now the cork is again comprised. We have no Jacob. Ilana is feckless in installing a replacement. The man-in-black has already begun his march off the island. Desmond better show up tonight and put a cork in this thing already.

O heaven! were man But constant, he were perfect.

Last week I attended Two Gentlemen of Verona at Seattle Shakespeare Company. In the beginning of the play, Proteus is madly in love with Julia. His friend Valentine (the other gentleman) leaves Verona and asks Proteus to join, but Proteus won't leave Julia. He's too in love. But then Proteus' father demands he leave and join Valentine. He cries and carries on. He gives Julia a ring (in this version he had to first extract it from his own nipple) and vows to love her eternally; she gives him a ring. He arrives in Milan and reunites with Valentine, who introduces Proteus to his own new love, Silvia. Proteus instantly falls in love with Silvia and schemes to separate she and Valentine. Both Julia and Silvia are stunned at Proteus' inconstancy.

Here is where Lost comes in. Watching this week's episode, Recon, I was struck by how much Sawyer is like Proteus. He is madly in love with Juliet (Shakespeare!) and has a ring he meant to give her. She dies and he wails and cries on the beach and wipes his salty tears on Kate's sleeve. The next day this is forgotton and he's all "How YOU doin'" to Kate on the beach. And in the flash sideways he's knockin' boots with not one, but two other women.

Sure, it's not 100% fair to condemn him for violating Juliet's memory in a flash-sideways. But his undercover name was "LeFleur" so he still has loyalties to some memories/impressions from other timelines.

Now I was never a big Juliet fan myself, and I realize that in this very column I begged for her death, but for Sawyer to completely forget her in a couple episodes is just harsh. Just like Proteus would not leave Verona because of Julia, Sawyer would not leave the island because of Juliet. And now she's long forgotten and he's ready to go down ... in the sub ... with Kate.

I never believed Sawyer really loved Juliet -- and neither did Juliet for that matter. This episode was the proof. Juliet, had you read "He's Just Not That Into You" you might still be alive today.

Choose Your Own Adventure

It's clear to me that Lost has turned into a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. The real question is who is doing the choosing?

That question is not as important as the choices being set up.

When the Man In Black managed to kill Jacob, he didn't just kill him. He created a parallel reality where Jacob never existed. My crackpot theory of the day: The flash-sideways views are a world without Jacob.

In the world with Jacob, Sayid marries Nadia and it's clear Jacob assists in Nadia being hit by a car and dying. Without him there, Sayid probably would have been killed. I'm certain Jacob had a hand in something similar with the mother of Jack's newly introduced son. In a world with Jacob, she probably died before meeting Jack. In a world without Jacob, she meets Jack and they have a son. Though Jack still probably becomes a drunk who's addicted to pills and she leaves him. Jacob can't change one's true nature.

Now we have Man In Black leading the surviving others somewhere. I am certain he is going to give them a glimpse into their lives sans-Jacob. Then they will have an opportunity to choose. Which looks better to you? Your life with Jacob's interference or without? Choose your own adventure ...

That Is One Scary European History Teacher

It was clear to me in the last episode that the off-island flash sideways glimpses were all different timelines. The John Locke sitting in bathtub did not just come from meeting Hurley. The John Locke in the teacher's lounge did not just come from meeting Rose. Each time we see Locke, we have followed an increasingly different parallel reality.

I predict, in the next episode, for no apparent reason, Locke will be walking and Helen will be gone. The shifts may even be happening in the same scenes. Like when Locke falls out of his fan onto the lawn. If Helen was inside, wouldn't he have shouted for her? Until he fell, she wasn't inside. He may be constantly shifting from reality to reality, with things changing every minute. But he is obviously not aware of this.

If that's what is happening off-island, that must be what's happening on-island. Sayid is magically alive again not because he was saved by the healing pool, but because everyone has shifted to a timeline where he wasn't drowned. This is why Juliet would say "it worked." At the moment of her death she became aware she was in another reality. They all are. Sawyer is at the same time burying Juliet and in an elevator with Kate. Only Juliet was aware of this for a split-second.

And Ben! A history teacher. Because his father was not recruited by the Dharma Initiative; because the island is at the bottom of the ocean. And Ethan - almost delivering Claire's baby (again). Of course, Kate will actually deliver it (again).

Could it be that in his death, Jacob was able to run scenario after scenario until he changed the variables enough to get what he wants? What is that he wants?

Ilana: Finally, A Rescue Leader Worse Than Naomi

A persistent question for me this season has been: Why did Jacob get Ilana to protect him? She really could not have done a worse job.

Instead of rushing to Jacob's side once she reaches the island, she instead hikes out to his summer cabin and torches it. Fat lot of good that did. Then she makes a slow march carrying a heavy body - finally - to Jacob's house under the foot. Even Ben has to ask her, "why did you bring this?" Her answer is feeble. She could have been there a lot faster not carrying heavy old Locke.

Not to mention she KNOWS the rule about burying people so the man-in-black cannot body-snatch them. But when Ajira crashes on the island, does she bury Locke? Nope. She leaves him out the open and then figures "he must have been snatched by now. Let's bring him to show people."

I'm also wondering why she had Sayid in handcuffs? Was it because she somehow knew he would be infected by the man-in-black and be a danger to Jacob? But she screwed that up too and loses Sayid before Ajira even landed.

Thankfully for her Jacob has turned the other cheek to her ineptitude and decided to visit Hurley in the afterlife. But I think he should also pay her a visit to give her a quick slap in the face and demerit badge.

Cave paintings & Frenchies

I read a post today that asked, "Why can't the person with all the answers on Lost be the loquacious, blathering type?" So true. Instead, they are always the "you won't understand this so I'll use a lot of metaphor and only hint at the truth."

So far we've gotten no answers from Ben, Richard, Christian Shepherd, Eloise Hawking, Elana, Jacob and now Flocke is cagey and difficult. He's also a liar.

New theory: Flocke (or Esau or man-in-black) is the inhabitant of the damp cave that Sawyer barely made it into on Tuesday. I bet Jacob never set foot in this cave. Why would Jacob write numbers on the roof of this cave, and then leave the cave and go to his own cave under the four-toed statue, and then give lists of names to Richard from there? I don't see Jacob doing a lot of hiking and caveing on the island. Especially since he's not the one that can travel fast as a puff of smoke.

So Flocke lives in this cave. The scales are his. The numbers and names are his. He and Jacob battled for control over these people. Flocke wanted control to get his loophole. Now he wants control for some additional reason. He gets control two ways: 1) recruitment, 2) infection.

Also, anytime I hear anything about things written on cave walls, I think of the Lascaux cave paintings in France. 22,000 years old. So maybe an Egyptian connection is not going back far enough. Rousseau will not be the only Frenchy involved in this 22,000-year conspiracy. I should have known it always comes back to the French.

Faraday's Homemade Particle Accelerator

What a premiere for Lost: The Final Season! Sure, the character stuff was good and Jack and Kate looked good, but I've spent the last few days -- make that the last year -- pondering one question: Why did Faraday direct the Losties to detonate a hydrogen bomb at the source of an electromagnetic incident?

My freshest super-fringe theory: Because Faraday intended to create a black hole.

The newly built Large Hadron Collider (LHC) -- the world's largest and highest-energy particle accelerator -- is fueled by none other than superconducting magnets (1,600 of them). To drop an H-Bomb into a naturally occurring superconducting magnet could mimic the conditions within the LHC. One of the worries when the LHC was built was that mankind might accidentally create tiny black holes that would suck up the planet (and you thought GMO corn was dangerous). This is exactly what Faraday did.

In this case, each black hole was filled with a copy of the universe circa 1977. Specifically, the moment when the screen went white at the end of season five. Each copy exists in its own dimension and progressed in its own way. So far we've been shown inside only two of these possible universes, but I belive we will see more.

Now we need a hero who can span dimensions and sew the threads of the fragmented universe back together: Enter Desmond.