In Case You Missed It: Single Email Explanation

My friend Robyn asked me to explain the show in a single email, so here is my attempt:

Our interest in the Island begins in the Middle Kingdom of Egypt. The Island is always moving and at one point in about 2,000 B.C. it was off the coast of Egypt and lots of people, seeing it, boated to the island. It soon moved again so they were stuck there. The people created a civilization. Already on the island was a magical woman guarding a well of light. She had been assigned the post by a supernatural being after the creation of the Earth. The well of light is contained with a cork. Dislodging the cork or interrupting the light in any way may cause some people to shift in time and may also transport one to Tunisia. In the same way, detonating a hydrogen bomb in proximity to the light may cause unexpected effects in time and space and is not recommended. When the people arrive from Egypt, the woman intercepts a pregnant woman and kills her and steals her twins and raises them as her own. She tasks one of them with guarding the light and never letting the cork be pulled -- Jacob -- and the other is thrown into the light and the supernatural being transforms him into the smoke monster. The woman, and then Jacob, routinely kill all island invaders and inhabitants in order to keep the light safe. The only exception is the "candidates," who are nurtured by Jacob to take over for him, as he feels threatened by the smoke monster. The island's dead go to a purgatory, which is a world where the island is not active (it is sunk) and they can work out their issues without supernatural interference before going to heaven. Sometimes the dead are not allowed to leave the island and stay on as whispers. Before 1970, all of the island's inhabitants were Egyptian descendants or shipwreck survivors. With improvements in science and technology, word of the island and its magical nature became known off-island and scientists from Minnesota set up shop there and began doing experiments. They called this project the Dharma Initiative. Jacob gave orders to his followers to have them exterminated, as his mother had done to island people before them. As of 2007, the new protector of the light was Hurley. Jack had gone on to heaven, while others like Michael remained on the island as whispers. It is likely more people will find the island and attempt to exploit it and Hurley will ask his #2, Ben, to kill them. Until he's ready to retire, he will sit on a rock, paint pictures, talk to dead people, and eat Dharma ranch dressing that is dropped from the sky by the supernatural being.

The Losties 'R Good Enuff For Me

Tuesday's episode (5/18/10) sealed the deal for me. Lost is now The Goonies.

The creators have obviously set up a situation where Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley (Mikey, Andy, Mouth, Chunk) must battle the ferocious Fratellis and their smoke monster (Sloth).

With Miles as Data, they will use Pinchers of Peril, Slick Shoes and other homemade tricks to defeat Smokey. But in the end, Hurley will offer Smokey an Apollo Bar and they will become best friends, and Smokey will end up saving them from a deteriorating Black Rock they are sailing off the island in (because the sub and plane both exploded).

I'm sure any questions about Lost can now be answered by reviewing the Goonies plot. What is the Black Rock? A treasure ship captained by Alvar Hanso (One-Eyed Willy). How do you escape the island? The wishing well (have a football player bring you up in a bucket or turn the frozen donkey wheel).

In the Sunday finale, I'm confident the Losties will sail the Black Rock off the island and save the Goondocks.

And the Baby Momma Is ...

I couldn't be more embarrassed that it took me all of a week to think of this as it is so completely obvious. Penny is Jack's baby momma! Who do we know that runs a tour de stade? Jack!

Picture this: 1989. Penny and Jack are married and she's just given birth to a son. He's like, "I have an idea for how you can drop this baby weight. I like to run up and down all the stadium stairs behind the hospital. So why don't you bring me dinner (have a lettuce leaf yourself) and then go run the stairs." And she's all, "Bullocks to that. Why don't you go take some more pills!" And they split up. But then she's back in the dating world and ends up taking his advice about the stadium stairs. And she's been rockin' those stairs for the last 15 years.

Which would make David Shephard Widmore's grandson and heir-apparent to the Widmore empire. It would also make Widmore Jack's ex-father-in-law. I love that!

Another clue: David Shepard plays Fantaisie-Impromptu in C-sharp minor by Frédéric Chopin -- the same song Daniel played in his flashback. In the flash-sideways Daniel is a musician. He lives in the same city as his half-sister. He could have easily taught his nephew this piece.